ending the silence

I haven’t even attempted to write in a long time. Ironically, my last post was on how I do things half-heartedly. Apparently that applies to this blog. My resolution to myself was that I’d write here at least once a day, once a week? It’s been so long since I made it, and so long since I have failed to keep the resolution that I can’t even remember the original commitment. ARGH

But here goes again. I won’t be half-hearted anymore. I don’t want to waste my life. Speaking of- our church is going through a series on living for Heaven. From our small groups to the sermons on Sundays, we have been immersed with the importance of living for Heaven while living on Earth. One of the many conclusions that I have come to is that I am wasting my life. Even as I serve God and others, I see in my life a great lack in faith – faith to do more, faith to be courageous, faith to LIVE.

So here’s to really LIVING to the fullest for His honor and glory.

half – hearted

Upon reflection, it has come to my attention that there are one too many things I have done half – heartedly. I play the guitar half-heartedly, meaning, I’ve only learned like half the chords out there. So I play worship songs that have chords I know how to play. It limits the songs I am able to play when I lead worship for the women of our church.

I also write half-heartedly. If I was as serious as I’d like to be about pursuing my dream career, then I better get my fingers crackling and type away. I even have a folder in my computer of started, yet unfinished stories and ideas.

I organize half-heartedly. I love things to be neat and have their assigned place. But I also love not having to think about organizing, because my job requires me to be organized so much, I retreat sometimes. Anyways, this has created in my office and at home, things that are only like 3/4 of the way organized.

Hmmm I think I can make this list go on longer, but all this to say…I need to stop being half-hearted. I need to be whole-hearted about the things that I has placed in my care. I don’t want this half-heartedness to spill over into my life with God. I don’t want this to be a continual pattern. It needs to stop somewhere and it might as well stop here.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. I’ve learned so many shortcoming, failings, habits, patterns of behaviors and responses that I wasn’t fully aware of until now. And while it is a whole lot of disappointment at my sinfulness and hopelessness, I am so thankful that God is a God of hope, change, promise, and grace. I am thankful that He alone has the power to change my heart and this halfway of doing things. He alone can incite in me a passion, a fervor for Him and the things of Him so that I cease being a woman of half-heartedness, but a woman of whole-heartedness. Whole-heartedly pursuing the Lord and the things of Him: that is what I desire.

the non-retreat retreat

We had our church retreat this weekend. I am so thankful that it is done. Needless to say that I am very tired.

I am learning the joy in pouring out everything possible in order to see others blessed and have a blast. The gain is definitely worth the cost.

But because I am human, it is very hard. I find it hard to do, when all I want to do is sit.

But it is great to know the joy in serving the Lord so wholeheartedly that you are beyond tired. I love this. I love knowing that, as imperfect as it was, I gave it all.

To be honest, it was hard to swallow some of the negative, not supportive comments, but what matters in eternity is not how they treated me, but how I responded to their ill-treatment.

I don’t need people to know what it cost. I don’t need them to know the tears that were shed. Because I know God and konw what matters (limited as my knowledge may be), I take comfort in my hope found in Him and Him alone.

Things of earth are so bland and limited. Things of earth matter not in eternity. I want to know the joy in knowing Him and Him alone. I want to know the joy of finding satisfaction in Him and Him alone. I want to know the joy of living for heaven for Him and Him alone.

Amazing Grace it truly is, that saved a wretch such as me.

would be 29

My brother’s birthday is tomorrow (July 17).
It’s been 10 years since he left us. I still have a hard time believing that he is gone and that I’ll never see his face here on Earth.

It’s such a sad reality that when you lose someone you love, the pain never lessens. You just deal with it better, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

I really really miss him.